Desperately Seeking Coffee: 7/1/12

25 July 2012

Myths about women

1) We only have "emotional sex
Totally untrue. Yeah, we'd take sex with a man we have a mutually emotional connection with any day. But sometimes, a girls gotta get hers, namean bro? Truth. Believe me, I had PUH-LENTY of one night stands back in my heyday. I didn't want a relationship, I just needed to get laid. I haven't had one in YEARS, being a Mama and all, last thing I need is my daughter thinking she can act like a ho. How does one find these girls? Go to a bar at closing time, dipshit.

2)We dont' watch porn
The fuck we don't. Hubs not doing his husbandly duties? Boyfriend got sand in his vag? Yeah, that shit happens. And that's when the Internet is here to help. Sure, there's nothing like riding that Pound Town train, but it'll work. With exceedinly few exceptions, every single woman I know has watched porn AT LEAST ONCE. When do we watch porn? When your stupid ass is playing "one more round" of WoW or faking a headache. Smartphones and the bathroom. Nuff said.

3)We ALWAYS care how we look
Y'know, sometimes we just don't give a damn. We'll throw on those old jeans or yoga pants, throw the hair into a ponytail, and just go. We're too damn tired, out of fucks to give, in a pissy mood and the rest of the world can just fuck themselves. And if you're going to the WM, you'll fit right the hell in. Shit, where I'm at, as long as you've bathed in the last week and wearing a bra, you've already won. Real talk.

4)We're all money-grubbing whores
Yes and no. I'm not saying there aint some gold-digging bitches out there, because there are. That's why sugar daddy dating are so popular these days. HOWEVER, I cannot think of a single woman who wants some loser who can barely make rent. We want to know you've got your shit together and that includes your finances. Doesn't matter if you're making $25k or $250k a year. We don't wanna end up paying your bills and we want to know that if this thing turns domestic you'll be able to handle that shit. Kids are damn expensive, and if you're living off Ramen and over the age of 25, all bets are off. Sorry, bro.

5)You've got to be goddamn Ron Jeremy in the sack
Again, total bullshit. Maybe the chick likes vanilla sex. (Poor thing.) But truly, it's actually kind of in our favor. Because we can mold you into the guy who gives us what we want every time. You'll be the student, we'll be your teacher, and hey, there's the study sessions. One caveat: some guys are just fucking hopeless. (Pun intended.) One of my exes, for example, just straight up refused to learn. After round after round he just didn't fucking get it, I knew. This guy was doomed to a lifetime of mediocre (at best) sex and I bounced.

6) We're not as horny as men
Again, the fuck we're not. (See points 1 & 2.) Personally, I've been described as a total horndog. By a guy who was famous for the amount of tail he pulled, no less. I see a cute guy, I think about what he'd look like naked. (Did that in Mass once. Made for an interesting confession.) I'm rather happy being single, but when I go to bed and feel my 500 thread count sheets against my legs, I still think every. single. night. how much better it'd be if I had a naked, hot, sweaty man giving it to me like it was his J-O-B. Truth. If this myth was true, the sex toy industry wouldn't be as thriving as it is. We're just as horny as you are, so take freaking advantage of this.

Guys, I hope this clears some shit up. If it doesn't, well then, I don't know what to tell you. Sorry dudes.

22 July 2012

Defriending IRL

I have three best friends. First and foremost is Housewife, because she is All that is Woman. Secondly is the Wife, with whome I reconnected with on MySpace. Last but not least is Bumpkin, who I used to work with and allows me to let my inner redneck out.

Now, Wife and I live in the same city, and we went to high school together. We never hung out or even really cared for each other in high school, but with time comes maturity. Mostly.

Since February, I've spent a lot of time with Wife. She and I fish a lot, or just shoot the shit. Point is, from about May to July, we spent almost every single day together.

I couldn't take it anymore.

First was the money issue. (Don't all marriages have money problems?)Specifically, she never has any, and bemoans that fact constantly. As such, whenever we'd drive to go fishing, it was on my gas budget. That got irksome. I suggested better jobs or even second jobs to her, but she never made a move towards that. I got very tired of hearing it. I'm broke too, but I know what options I have to change that and whining about it changes nothing. So I do not. Her boyfriend doesn't even pay 1/2 the rent, and yet she always has money for going out. Right. Seems legit. Know what I do? Budget like a motherfucker and watch every damn dime that leaves my account. This is why I don't go out a lot. Babysitter issues aside, I can't really afford to. So I don't.

Secondly, Wife hates her body. I mean she hates her body. To hear her speak, she is a fat, ugly, stretch-marked whale. Now, I've got her by a good 40 pounds. But I think I'm gorgeous, so I wonder if she thinks I'm ugly too..? Anywhoodles, instead of working out and eating right, she sat on her ass and tried insanse diets. The Master Cleanse diet. The Caveman diet. Atkins. Some weird seafood diet. Now, that really pisses me off. For one, I've worked my ASS off to lose the weight and that includes working out and eating right. I've told her she can take walks with me, but she doesn't have the gas to get to me. I've been her personal cheerleader on how beautiful she is day in and day out for a long time, and when I lost it at her she tried to make me feel guilty about her body issues.

Lastly, it occured to me that the woman is very clingy. I am a pretty indenpendant person, being completely alone doesn't really bother me. I putter around my condo, go for walks, swim, and read. But Wife cannot be alone, she needs someone to need her. Someone to be around her, to keep her company and entertained. And if she's had too much to drink, she turns passive-aggressive and whiney about it. I will not give into that shit, and told her so. We fought HARD about that. She always wants to come over, or for me to come over. Let's go somewhere! Let's do something! You're paying! The concept that I'd rather A) really just spend time alone being with my daughter and enjoying her or B) just be alone period is forgein to her. I get that some people can't grasp that concept but they at least respect that concept. This explains why she stays in long-term unhappy relationships. That and the fact they didn't do anything "wrong" to her, so she "can't" break up with them. Woman, it happens every day, just do it, y'all aren't married. It's called not being right for each other, break up and moooooove on. Jeez.

So, what happened? In short, I defriended her.I started spending almost every single weekend back home. I ignored the comments that she'd "like to have her wife here for the weekend". Then I slowly started being busy with things. And if that didn't seem to work, I wouls say I was exhausted or I just wanted to be with my daughter. She's gotten the message, and she's pissed and hurt. Yes, I explained all of these things to her, and I RAH! RAH! RAH!'ed her to get her life back on track. Get a better job! Exercise! Eat right! Be single! Join a club! DO SOMETHING CHRIST ALMIGHTY! Instead I was presented with a list of excuses why she cannot or will not do any of those things. Fine. I'm done trying to help fix you. I'm done listening and emotionally and mentally jerking you off. I've got so much shit on my plate right now, I need three hands and a cart. I don't need more.

I miss her, and I still love her. But I'm also more at peace because I finally have peace and quiet.