Myths about women

1) We only have "emotional sex
Totally untrue. Yeah, we'd take sex with a man we have a mutually emotional connection with any day. But sometimes, a girls gotta get hers, namean bro? Truth. Believe me, I had PUH-LENTY of one night stands back in my heyday. I didn't want a relationship, I just needed to get laid. I haven't had one in YEARS, being a Mama and all, last thing I need is my daughter thinking she can act like a ho. How does one find these girls? Go to a bar at closing time, dipshit.

2)We dont' watch porn
The fuck we don't. Hubs not doing his husbandly duties? Boyfriend got sand in his vag? Yeah, that shit happens. And that's when the Internet is here to help. Sure, there's nothing like riding that Pound Town train, but it'll work. With exceedinly few exceptions, every single woman I know has watched porn AT LEAST ONCE. When do we watch porn? When your stupid ass is playing "one more round" of WoW or faking a headache. Smartphones and the bathroom. Nuff said.

3)We ALWAYS care how we look
Y'know, sometimes we just don't give a damn. We'll throw on those old jeans or yoga pants, throw the hair into a ponytail, and just go. We're too damn tired, out of fucks to give, in a pissy mood and the rest of the world can just fuck themselves. And if you're going to the WM, you'll fit right the hell in. Shit, where I'm at, as long as you've bathed in the last week and wearing a bra, you've already won. Real talk.

4)We're all money-grubbing whores
Yes and no. I'm not saying there aint some gold-digging bitches out there, because there are. That's why sugar daddy dating are so popular these days. HOWEVER, I cannot think of a single woman who wants some loser who can barely make rent. We want to know you've got your shit together and that includes your finances. Doesn't matter if you're making $25k or $250k a year. We don't wanna end up paying your bills and we want to know that if this thing turns domestic you'll be able to handle that shit. Kids are damn expensive, and if you're living off Ramen and over the age of 25, all bets are off. Sorry, bro.

5)You've got to be goddamn Ron Jeremy in the sack
Again, total bullshit. Maybe the chick likes vanilla sex. (Poor thing.) But truly, it's actually kind of in our favor. Because we can mold you into the guy who gives us what we want every time. You'll be the student, we'll be your teacher, and hey, there's the study sessions. One caveat: some guys are just fucking hopeless. (Pun intended.) One of my exes, for example, just straight up refused to learn. After round after round he just didn't fucking get it, I knew. This guy was doomed to a lifetime of mediocre (at best) sex and I bounced.

6) We're not as horny as men
Again, the fuck we're not. (See points 1 & 2.) Personally, I've been described as a total horndog. By a guy who was famous for the amount of tail he pulled, no less. I see a cute guy, I think about what he'd look like naked. (Did that in Mass once. Made for an interesting confession.) I'm rather happy being single, but when I go to bed and feel my 500 thread count sheets against my legs, I still think every. single. night. how much better it'd be if I had a naked, hot, sweaty man giving it to me like it was his J-O-B. Truth. If this myth was true, the sex toy industry wouldn't be as thriving as it is. We're just as horny as you are, so take freaking advantage of this.

Guys, I hope this clears some shit up. If it doesn't, well then, I don't know what to tell you. Sorry dudes.