The One Where The Mad Housewife Finally Writes an Update...

Hi.  I've been missing lately.


That's because life has been repeatedly punching me in the balls.


The good news is that my hubby is doing pretty damn good.  He's recovered really well from his brief stay in the loony bin last May; and he's been successfully taken off all his medication.  


Good news again is that he's getting his Bachelor's degree in the next couple of months, and is in the process of taking the LSAT and applying for law school.


Can't fault the boy for being ambitious.


Bad news is, well, the ball punching.  My family court case is NOT going well.  Ok, it's going well for ME... but it's taking FOR FREAKING EVER to go through the court system.  And since my damn ex successfully argued that the case be heard in HIS state, court is an EIGHT hour drive away.  (NO clue how that happened.  We had a substitute judge the day the jurisdiction case was heard.  I'm sure he managed to find the ONE judge in the county that wasn't above being bribed.)  


So there's that.  And we've gone through court-ordered mediation TWICE in the last year and yea... MASSIVE FAIL.  The first mediation was so bad, I literally broke out into hives.  Besides the fact that I can now truthfully say that I am allergic to my ex husband, that entire experience sucked donkey dick.  


We just had a second go round at mediation.  EPIC MASSIVE FAIL.  Apparently my ex can't mediate because he's still butthurt about the nuclear explosion that was the end of our marriage.  "You put restraining orders on me, waaaah!"  You're damn right I did, you gun-toting freak.  The last thing I needed was to end up pregnant and dead on the six-0-clock news.  I attempted to man up, apologize for my hurting him... and this bastard looked straight at me and told me he didn't care.  He just could NOT move past his own bullshit and attempt to coparent our child with me.  


At this point, even my ex's own parents are ready to strangle his dumb ass.  His mom straight up told me that she thinks he's a "sociopathic liar."  Correct.  His dad told me that he told him that he needed to "man up and actually BE a father."  Also correct.


And the icing on the cake is that my ex just remarried his equally sociopathic girlfriend.  I'm shocked that the massive amount of vapid so close together in one spot hasn't created an anomaly that will eventually suck the entire world into it's incredibly selfish black hole.  I'll be floored if this lasts more than a couple months.  I really didn't want to have to explain the concept of "divorce" to my five year old yet... but maybe I'll get lucky and only have to explain what an "annulment" is.


I really hate my ex.  He's actually got several concurrent court cases against me.  The best one is that he's saying that he overpaid me in child support, and now I owe HIM money.  Um, I did the math.  My ex paid me a total of about $160 for my kid's ENTIRE first year.  Even if the child support was calculated incorrectly (the state's fault, not mine), and we look at the LOWEST amount of support he'd have to pay according to his paycheck at the time... he STILL would not be done paying his back pay right now.  Fuck the fuck out of him.  It's all about the money and the bitches, right?


Also, he never takes his visitation.  I send her with his dad, her grandpa, one state over so that she can see that side of the family.  Outside of court dates, he's literally come to pick up my kid for visitation (since December 2008) THREE times.  Only one of those times was he unaccompanied by his dad.  Um, grow up?  He's almost thirty, it's about damn time.


So... the cherries on the icing on the cake... Today I had to let my beloved lawyer go.  Those bastards aren't cheap, and the financial office in his firm told me that they're stopping work on the case until the bill is paid in full.  Yea, that's not happening.  And since my ex's Daddy is funding his lawyer... yea.  I've had to represent myself in court before, and I worked pro se against his current lawyer and GOD she is insane.  She's really nuts.  Whenever we're in court, the judge has to repeatedly tell this woman to SIT DOWN and SHUT UP.  She's bad.  When I was representing myself before, this bitch showered me in lawsuits for EVERYTHING and paperwork up the butthole to boot.  Once my lawyer officially withdraws from my case, she's going to hit me and hit me HARD.


It comes down to this though.


I've got my native intelligence, my street smarts, the internets, a computer, a printer, a scanner, a Fed Ex store with a notary right down the street, and ALL GOD DAMNED DAY.  


Bring it.

Let's see the little bastards escape from THIS one...

- Posted from The Mad Housewife's iPhone. Like a BOSS.

Funny Christmas Stories from the Merlot Household

Growing up, my twin sister and I did things a bit...differently. Christmas was a magical time of year to shake the other twins present until you heard something break, seperate gifts into piles, compare who got more, and snitch relentlessly in the hopes her present would become your present. Ah, memories. I'd to share with you now two stories that prove two things: 1) we were certifiably insane from a young age, and 2) I'm a goddamn moron.


The Story of the Redneck Christmas Eve
While most children leave out cookies and milk for the fat bastard who breaks into your house, we didn't follow that motto. Hooo no, not the Merlot twins. One year my sister commented that Santa probably got tired of milk & cookies, and wanted something different. Dad muttered, "Santa would probably like a cold beer and a shot of whiskey." Mom was not amused in the slightest. So, what did we figure out?

Santa probably gets cold, right? So, why not leave out a can of Campbells chicken and stars soup, (nothing but the best from us), directions to the microwave, (the handle sticks so make sure you slam it closed), Chapstick, (cherry flavored), and deer jerky. Sure, we could've prepared the soup ourselves but we didn't know when he'd show up and nobody likes cold soup, amiright? And okay, so the Chapstick was dug out from the bottom of Mom's purse, but it's the thought that counts, right?

The coup de grace was the deer jerky, and we didn't realize how creepy it was until just a few weeks ago when a friend pointed out, "Aren't reindeer, y'know, deer?" "Yeah, and?" "You gave Santa deer jerky...to eat in front of reindeer. That doesn't strike you as creepy?" Huh. Well. Now that you put it like that, yes. We just figured that he got tired of sugar cookies, and hell, we liked deer jerky, who doesn't like deer jerky? It never occured to us that he might be eating Prancers' Aunt Prudence. Besides, Dad's family came from the Ozarks, Mom came from rural Idaho. Honestly, just be thankful we didn't leave out pork rinds and Michelob.




The Year a 6 Year old called me stupid in Wal*Hell and Everyone Agreed.
It was the first Christmas Stupid and I were together, and we were in Satans Playground, Wal*Mart. At Christmas time. We were standing in line at the checkout, next to a display of blow-up shit you plunk in your front yard. There was a blow-up display of a reindeer without a red nose, wearing a scarf and hat. Stupid's daughter, Smartass, asked which of the reindeer that was. After running through the list, and having them all rejected, I leaned down.

"You want to know a secret? Promise not to tell? [Smartass nods vigorously] It's Ed, Rudolphs cousin from Minnesota."
[insert "WTF are you high" look from Smartass here]
"Don't tell the other kids I told you this, else I'd get in trouble with Santa, but Rudolph...He isn't feeling too hot this year. So he called his cousin Ed in from Minnesota to stand in for him this year. See Rudolph doesn't get cold, because his fur is magical, but Ed isn't magical. Ed's just Ed. So he put on a scarf and hat, and he's flying for Rudolph this year."
"If Rudolph is magic, then how come the magic doesn't make him not get sick?"
"The magic doesn't cover preventative treatment, only aftercare. Like our craptastic HMO."
"Know what I think?"
"What, Smartass?"
"I think this is stupid. I think it's just a blow up reindeer. You're dumb."

Judging from the titters of the other people surrounding me in line, they agreed. Even Stupid stood there, probably wondering if I had been smoking too much mistletoe.




Well, folks, there you have it. Two heart-warming tales of cannibalistic dumbassery. Have a merry Christmas.

Sup, Harpy?

A few things I'd like to point out to the office Harpy:


1. It's called epilepsy, bitch.

When I bust ass outta there because I'm going to have a seizure, it's not "a convenient excuse" it's my neurological system taking a dump. Last time I ignored it, I ended up with a black eye so horrific, it was swollen shut for 3 weeks.



2. You are not allergic to every goddamn scent I own.

The Dark Lily scent gave you a headache, you claimed. Sure, I can see it. It's a heady scent. So I used the lightest shit I had, so light you had to be right fucking next to me to smell it. You were, and you complained. Even our boss pointed out that you seem to be "allergic" to every single scent I wear, including the orange-scented hand lotion I used. But only my scents. Gimme a break.



3. It seems that every single noise bothers you. Buy headphones.

You don't like music being played around you. Okay, sure, some people need quiet. Then you complained that I talked too loud when I asked a question. Fine, I'll e-mail the questions. But then! Then you bitched that my fucking keyboard was too loud. Look, if every single sound in the office bothers you, I suggest you either 1) look for a job or 2) buy some noise cancelling headphones.



4. Word has it you're jealous that I'm young & smart. I suggest you STFU.

I overhead you bitching that I was young, pretty, and "some kind of wunderkind" because I caught on very quickly and have proceeded to rock the shit out of my job. Look, Harpy, I cannot help that my Mama crapped me out a good 20 years after you. I cannot help that the symetry Gods smiled on my face. Nor can I help that my tits and ass are still perky. Here's the thing; they aint gonna stay this way forever, so by God I'm gonna enjoy it while it lasts. As for the smart issue, I can't help that either. If anything, I'm just going to get smarter as I learn more. So STFU and go back to being miserable.



5. I know why your Secret Santa hasn't gotten you anything...

Because the one person who likes you didn't pull your name. Seriously, that's the long and the short of it. Nobody likes you, hon.





Have a Merry Christmas from my perky ass to yours.