I Have a Netbook Because I Am a Whore.

I was recently gifted with a Netbook.  I think it's because I'm beloved by my family.  Mad Merlot Mama thinks it's because I'm a whore.  It's okay, because in her world, her logic makes sense.  To her.

It's beautiful.




See.  It's a thing of beauty.

And I even got a matching case.



Die in awe at the cuteness.

Now to surf in my recliner.  Aaaaaaaah.

~ The Mad Housewife

Texts From This Week

The Mad Housewife is in Grey


Mad Merlot Mama is in Wine (duh).


Let the texts begin!!!

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I hate the mall and I'm cheap


We can go other places.  It's sale season after all.


As long as there's one of those motorized carts I can ride


You aren't serious.


Fibro.  Myalgia.  It's either that or the cane.  And I've avoided the can so far.  Don't make me use the cane.


As long as I can do some shopping and you tell me how slutalicious I look, we should be okay.  I'm dead serious here.


As long as we hit the Forever 21 with my fat girl sizes.


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Christ, the clients tonight were the poster children for birth control & CONTROL YOUR MONSTERS.  Also, why the HELL would you give a 2 y/o coffee at 1930?!


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The jeep is fucking up, my phone is fucking up, my sinuses are fucked up.  What else can I fuck up today??  At this point, hiding in a cave with a bottle of liquor sounds great.


Mmmmmmmm.  Liquor.


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Send a nanny & Ryan Reynolds.  I'm too sick to deal with hyperactivity today.


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Christ, I'm going to party for a week like Charlie Mother Fucking Sheen.  Minus the drugs.


And minus the dead hookers.


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I'm ready and willing to whore out my morals for a 5 carat rock set in platinum.  In case anyone asks.


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Fuck this, I'm self medicating with scotch.


I'm self medicating with carbs.


Bacon might work.  Or one of my numerous crushes's dicks inside me.


Bacon. Mmmmmmmm.


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The cutest guy walked in.  I am such a whore.


Get em!!!


Oh I will.  Don't I always?


Yes!  Go vag go!


Well, he was a convicted felon.  Going with no.


Way to pick em girl.


Well, it said in his paperwork he spent time in the pen.  He asked if I was available later tonight.  I said I had to go straight home to take my hormone shot, to keep my facial hair under control.  He promptly left.


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Nipples repierced: yes or no?  This is important, make my tits a priority.


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This chick's got permanent duckface.


Is it genetic, because my cousin?  You know, the lets get drunk because I didn't do shit today one?  Permaduck.


OH GOD THAT'S HER ACTUAL FACE?!?!?!?


Sadly, she's actually considered the attractive one.  The other one has teeth worse than Austin Powers.  Mama was too strung out on meth to do shit about it.


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Giving myself a FULL brazillian with Nair wasn't a good idea.


Wow.


My ass is on fire.


Way to give yourself firehole.


But a SMOOTH firehole.


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Revenge: masturbating to big black cock porn in your husband's office, sitting in his chair.  And letting it dry there.


Wow.


Yea, I skipped a day of depression meds so I could give myself a decent orgasm for ONCE.  Turns out I'm a pretty angry person without my chill pill.


Um... no comment.


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And now Grey's Anatomy is mocking me with Cymbalta commercials.  Shoot me.


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My mom says and I quote "Get revenge by getting thin and becoming urgently desirable to every man who glances your way."  So yea, we're related.


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Duckface Cousin:  What should I do today?  Mama: You could always try to become a productive member of society...


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Um, question?  Since when does flashing your tits get you kicked out of a bar?


Really?


Yep.


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Walmart: Reminding you why you use birth control since 1967.  A couple lost track of their daughter because they were arguing over regular versus double stuffed Oreos.  You can't make this shit up.


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<3 The Bitches From Hell

Also:


QK = Sideways Ninja

And it's only 1100...

Here’s a snapshot of my day so far. (Yes, I will indeed be having "lunch" at the bar down the street.)

• Woke up at 0820, have to be on the road by 0805 to get to work on time. Threw toothbrush & makeup in bag, to do in the bathroom at work. Didn’t look outside to see it was snowing, wore open toed shoes. (I’m a genius, I know.) Literally slid into parking space at work, ran into my office. Prayed management wouldn’t notice. (They didn’t, since they’re all out sick. First time I’ve thanked God for colds.)

• Meander into break room, there’s no coffee. Proceed to make another pot, return in five minutes. Realize I forgot to add grounds, which explains the pot of hot water. Silently wonder if I ate paint chips as a child. Make coffee correctly, watch coffee pot to make sure I did it right. I did.

• Client returns my call regarding her past due account. Says she was waiting for a call back, there are no notes regarding calling her back, as she can see the adjustment made to her account online. Gently remind client that she did not request a call back, and about seeing her account online. Client becomes unglued, calling me incompetent, atrocious, and unprofessional. Slams phone down. Take earlier-than-planned cigarette break.

• Call client regarding a promised payment, assistant informs me she is out sick today. As literally half my office is ALSO out sick, I jokingly say, "Gosh, I hope it's not the cold going around. We've been dosing with Dayquil and that makes us semi-functional. Or is she you know, playing sick?" Assistant informs me that she has leukemia, and had chemo yesterday. My foot is not just in my mouth, at this point, I am choking on my ankle. Apologize all over myself, and meekly state I’ll try her next week.

• Client calls saying she STILL has lines on her copies, dispatch call to the service rep. Service rep calls me back. She has lines on her copies because she put white out on the glass to fix her mistake. Client works for a school district. Enough said.

-MMM