Gray stands for The Mad Housewife.
Red stands for Mad Merlot Mama.
Got it?
On with the texts...
I'm going stir-crazy.
Go for a drive. Those babies got a daddy :)
Under the influence of morphine and white zinfandel? Why not just write the DWI ticket now?
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Okay, so lady in the store had like six kids, all in a row. She looked positively suicidal. Fuck. That.
Birth. Control. Learn about it. Use it.
Ick. Just ick.
I'd physically remove my uterus after child #3. Seriously.
Agreed.
And if the hubs even looked at me warmly, I'd scratch his eyes out.
Speaking of sex and hubbies, mine is being a total dick right now.
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Wine + morphine = vomit. Who knew?
No shit.
Shut up, when have you ever known me to have common sense.
You want an answer, really.
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Occasionally I look at myself and think: damn, Did I win the genetic lottery or WHAT?
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Sending you a small box as soon as the road clears.
Okay, what is it???
You can tear into it as soon as it comes. But I ain't tellin. A little something I picked up cause it screamed "Mad Merlot Mama!!!!!"
Lol, okay thanks. Hopefully it's bail money.
Nope.
Damn. Because if I'm subjected to one more freaking hour of college basketball, I'm going to need it.
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Okay, I need to go to school. My husband straight up ordered me to iron his uniform. Hello 1952? You can have him back now.
His last name is MR. MAD HOUSEWIFE, not DRAPER.
I straight up told him I was going to pee on him uniform and leave it in a corner somewhere.
Good one btw. Very appreciative.
Oh, the BEST part is he wants to SUPERVISE me while I press. Death by iron should be really painful, right?
It should be, and rightfully so
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My kid has charmed an old dude. Try charming me, kid. Won't work.
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Can you tell me what I did to make you piss yourself & thank the Kotex liners Gods
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If there's anything better than taking copious amounts of Ambien, than turning off all the lights and taking a really hot shower in the dark, I defy you to find it. Besides sex and diamonds. Those are always at the top of the list.
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I am taking pictures of my vagina using the night vision app on my new iPhone.
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There's no "I" in "team," but there's about four in "justifiable homicide."
I said to photoshop his face on David Beckhams body & I'd be happy
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I may have to shank ******** if she cites road conditions for her absence again.
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Well, ***** is excited I'm coming to visit. Literally.
Yup. Told him his girlfriend was 1) not my problem & 2) nothing but a scheduling conflict as far as I'm concerned.
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I'm cross with THE HUSBAND. The kid managed to fall UP the stairs and both bump AND scrape it pretty badly. There's blood EVERYWHERE and I scream at Hubs for help because I'm trying to see if she put a gash in her head (she didn't) and all HE does is SCREAM at her because she's sobbing uncontrollably. Than he yells at me that he made her stop crying like I wanted. No you heartless jackwagon, I wanted you to calm her down so I could do MY job, not terrify her into silence. Fuck. She's fine now, washed her hair out and it's a scrape and a nasty bump. And "No Running in the House" got bumped to the top of the House Rules list.
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There's no "I" in "team," but there's about four in "justifiable homicide."
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I asked Stupid for a poster of Clive Owen nude to hang above the bed. Suprisingly, he wasn't amenable to this idea. I am not shitting you.
Does that even exist? And I'd ask him for a mirror-
but only hang it on YOUR side of the bed.
Woman you're a genius. Hell, I'd just take Beckham's body.
Forget the head, he's losing his hair anyway.
I may have to shank ******** if she cites road conditions for her absence again.
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Well, ***** is excited I'm coming to visit. Literally.
More penis pictures huh?
I totally love you.
I'm cross with THE HUSBAND. The kid managed to fall UP the stairs and both bump AND scrape it pretty badly. There's blood EVERYWHERE and I scream at Hubs for help because I'm trying to see if she put a gash in her head (she didn't) and all HE does is SCREAM at her because she's sobbing uncontrollably. Than he yells at me that he made her stop crying like I wanted. No you heartless jackwagon, I wanted you to calm her down so I could do MY job, not terrify her into silence. Fuck. She's fine now, washed her hair out and it's a scrape and a nasty bump. And "No Running in the House" got bumped to the top of the House Rules list.
Christ. You win, I'm glad and relieved she's alright.
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Wanna see the sexiest man alive?
Go for it.
Sir Patrick Motherfucking Stewart. In a towel.
Uh, no.
OH YEAAAAAAAAAA!!!
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I must be a fucking saint. I just let my ex video call with the kid.
Saint Mad Housewife the Pissy, patron saint of bitches everywhere.
<3
Don't bother lighting a candle at Mass. Tiddle the skittle & have a glass of wine. She shall be appeased.
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"I wan bankeeeeeee bunbuuuuuuun waaaahhhh"
Me fucking too
Translated: I'd like my blanket & bunny rabbit when you're done peeing and I stop my incoherent whining.
Mommy needs to learn how to say "Go get it yourself"
Mommy needs a shot of gin. That's socially accepted at 10 AM right?
Only for mothers.
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I mean judge all you want. Just do it SILENTLY.
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Okay, I want bacon, cheese, a burger patty, and mayo. But nobody likes their ass shaking at the club... after you've stopped shaking your ass.
Mmmmmm. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.
Or as good as some hot as FUCK Marine's dick annhiliating your pussy because he thinks you are THE hottest thing he's ever seen.
^ THAT. That right there sounds amazing.
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Look Triplet, I'm gonna level with you. What do I want to do when I visit? Get the tat. Fuck. Party. Like a rock/porn star. It'll be a week-long party, adult industry style.
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Shaving. In the shower. In the dark. Stoned on Ambien. Didn't exactly think that one through to it's logical conclusion.
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Just pray to the deity of your choice that I'm getting a $5400 tax refund & not a $3000 tax refund, okay. I'm being totally serious here.
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I'd like to thank Enrique Iglesias for getting me so turned on in a 9 minute period that the act of my hand brushing my arm almost made me orgasm.
Ick. He's icky.
Close your eyes & listen to "Push It" and "Tonight I'm Fucking You." And no he's not.
I'm like a dude, I'm visual.
Than close your eyes & imagine someone else. The songs basically about a man TELLING a woman, "I'm fucking you. Here and now, we are fucking."
Meh.
Christ, woman. Just humor me. Music, for me, sets the tone. At least it's not Total Eclipse of the Heart. Cuz I fucking need you more than ever, bitch.
Sorry babe. I don't need music. Fucks with my concentration.
Just fucking listen to it. Jesus.
No! God, you're hot as fuck but you have horrible
taste in music. HORRIBLE.
I need you more tonight. I need you more than ever. I don't know what to do. I'm always in the dark...
Yea, I just want to fuck.
Hello? Is it me your looking for? I can see it in your eyes....
Hi clit. Let me lick it. I want you to come, hard.
Now that's romance.
Be thankful I'm not sending you Hanson lyrics just to fuck with you.
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<3 The Mad Housewife and Mad Merlot Mama
2 comments:
I needed that :-)
U guys r hell funny, made me laugh on a morning i needed it due to my crazy kids
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