In case ya'll were wondering, I am currently twiddling my thumbs and wondering if my doctor and my husband managed to knock me up.
And that is SOOOO not as kinky as it sounds.
I'm also driving myself absolutely crazy looking up Sit N Stand strollers on Amazon dot com and ignoring my housework.
For those of you whose ovaries work (and if they do and you're not sending me baby dust, good thoughts, and crossed fingers, I will KNOW) the Two Week Wait in InfertileSpeak is the period of time between a fertility procedure/ovulation and the time when you can actually take an accurate pregnancy test.
The Two Week Wait has been known to drive women insane.
I'm doubly screwed because I'm cheap enough that I don't want to waste a ten dollar pregnancy test because I broke and tested early. Yes, I know that I can get cheapie tests off the internets by the dozens, but I'm still in denial that I'll need that many. I've been convinced I'll get pregnant just next month for two years.
Science is wonderful, but there's something soooo weird about knowing EXACTLY when I'm going to ovulate (thanks to the many hands and ultrasound sticks shoved up my hooha). It doesn't do a whole hell of a lot to inject romance into sex, that's for sure. Make this one count, I'm ovulating tomorrow!! Of course my hubby was THRILLED that he got three consecutive days of doctor-ordered nookie. He happened to have those days off work, but I'm sure that if he hadn't he would have asked the doc for a note. And I'm also sure that he would have been given an hour or two off work. Guaranteed nookie is something Marines understand as an opportunity NOT to be wasted.
So, I wait. My blissfully oblivious hubby plays video games and I wait. And try and stay off google and TTC boards. (FYI, my google history looks something like this: clomid twins, nausea and clomid, how soon after ovulation can I take a pregnancy test, ways to tell your husband you're pregnant, I feel like I'll never get pregnant....)
10. Watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and crying like an idiot. Crying while driving on the highway in rush hour traffic, because the radio personalities just bought Christmas for a kid with cancer. Good for the kid but guess what, it's fucking HARD to drive while blubbering. Crying for no reason at fucking all and freaking the hubby out. Actually, that part is kinda fun.
9. Mmmm, that pepperoni looks good. I'll just eat it straight from the DAMN BAG. Are those potato chips? Mmmm, more ass flab. Hand 'em over.
8. Feeling pregnant in general, being bloated like I'm pregnant, intestinal tract not working like I'm pregnant, being exhausted like I'm pregnant, puking like I'm pregnant, my boobs hurting like I'm pregnant, AND NOT BEING FUCKING PREGNANT.
7. Transvaginal ultrasounds. Holy Mary, mother of God, deliver me from the PAIN of this infernal plastic stick being jammed into my cervix.
6. The realization that we've been trying to conceive baby number two since February 2nd, 2008 (the date the hubby got back from Iraq the second time). And we have sex a LOT. I mean, a LOOOOT- be glad you're not my next door neighbors. Anywhoo, based on the amount of nookie goin on I should have my existing preschooler, a toddler, AND be knocked up again by now dammit.
5. Giving myself shots of said fertility drugs. Fucking OOOWWWW.
4. Knowing that every period I have disappoints my hubby, even though he loves me and he tells me it's not my fault and means it.
3. Recurrent miscarriages.
2. People who get pregnant by accident and/or without really even trying. This includes my 20 year old self who got pregnant with my daughter in less than 4 weeks. (If I could go back in time, I would bitchslap my younger self into the next century.) This also includes people who complain about their kids. Fuck you ALL. I will take ALL of your children, keep one or two for myself, and hand out the rest to the other infertiles who will GLADLY take them and love them to death.
1. Clomid make The Housewife ANGRY!!!! Housewife SMASH!!!!
This bitch session brought to you by Clomid. Clomid, for when your ovaries have failed, Clomid .
And for your bonus viewing pleasure, I give you Way Too Much Information:
My hubby's latest sperm sample came back from the lab, with the little guys being "above average" across the board. I never thought I'd be so grateful for good sperm motility! Swim little guys, SWIIIIIIIIIIIM!!!!
If you are dumb enough to spend 80 grand on a brand new Escalade do NOT drive it to your child's preschool, especially not in a foot of snow. And don't double park the sucker. And don't be suprised that, while attempting to get my child outta my Mom Van, that myself or my child will accidentally brush your vehicle. And definitely don't be suprised, after you literally scream at me in ANGER for DAAARING to touch your car, when I cut your ass down to size for being stupid enough to do all of the above actions.
The Moral of Today's Story is: Don't fuck with me a Stay at Home Mom who has not yet had her coffee.