Memorial Day

Take a moment today.

Just a moment.

Pray for us.

Pray with us.  Help us mourn our lost brothers and sisters.

For those of us who are gone, we are war weary. Pray for our souls to finally find peace.

For those of us who remain to struggle and fight another day, we ask only that our sacrifices not be in vain:  Never, ever forget us.

Semper Fi my friends.

Normal?

The hubby and I had a fairly large fight a few days ago.  Lots of stress, a change of medication, and a general lack of sleep were all serious contributing factors.  My husband ended up throwing the big D word around, and the night ended with him going to spend the night at a friend's house.  Crushing doesn't even begin to describe how that fight felt. 

The next morning brought our marriage into sharp clarity: no matter what, we loved each other and neither of us could even START to think about questioning our comittment.

So I found myself consulting the Great Counselor (Google) and typed in "Is it normal to contemplate divorce?"  I came up with a fascinating quote from this New York Post article that succinctly describes how I feel about marriage turmoil:

"Couples often contemplate divorce when the alternative is actually a deepening of their relationship. They throw in the towel at the very moment when they could take the risk to be known and loved more completely by one another."

So I throw these questions out to Blogland:  How do you handle the "BIG" fights with your spouse?  Has the big D word ever come up, and how did you handle it?  What are your strategies for handling all the little daily stresses that come with a marriage?

One year ago today...

...Our courthouse wedding.  I love my hubby.

The Roots of Anger...

My mother always used to tell me that I was born angry.  Apparently I came into this world flaming mad, stomping my feet and clenching my fists.  Not much has changed, except I've learned quite a bit of self control over the years.

Through time I've learned how to deflect some of my anger into positive activities- writing, working out.  Looking back through some of my blog posts, it struck me how angry I still am.  Lack of control infuriates me- my reproductive system, my mental illness, my chronic pain and exhaustion.  All of these are completely out of my control and it's maddening.  The little bits of control that I retain over all these things are minor at best; taking my meds on time, getting enough exercise and sleep.  The chronic pain I can deal with, I've learned to live my life around it.  It's a limitation of the body, not of the spirit.  However when it comes to the mental illness... it's like living in a very large cage.  It's spacious enough inside that most of the time you can ignore the fact that you're crazy.  But occasionally you run right smack against the wall- your world comes crashing down on you again when you realize that you're trapped by the limitations of your own mind.

Many times I've been able to turn the manic energy of anger into a force for positive change in my life.  As a teenager with a burning desire to become a Marine, I literally channeled my anger into physical motion- long workouts were a big part of my daily routine, and fitness was obviously a prerequisite for military life.  Every person that told me I wasn't good enough, that I could never make it in the military became part of a single entity, "Them," that I had to beat at all costs.  My mantra became, "How dare 'They' tell me that I can't do such and such a thing?"

What I didn't realize so long ago is that anger is a destroying force, one that burrows deep into your chest and takes up residence in your heart.  There are so many things, people, events that make me angry.  How easy is it to abdicate yourself from personal responsibility?  There are no other people, no outside forces to blame; I'm the only person who has control over my thoughts, actions, and behaviors.  I spend too much time and energy worrying my problems to death- I'm completely emotionally drained.

I need to do myself a favor, take some deep breaths and just LET IT ALL GO.  I need to release all the bad energy from my body and give it up to God.  Sometimes I wish I was a bible-believing Christian, that I could just go to the Good Book and be satisfied with whatever answer I found.  But I'm not.  I wish I had a faith, any faith, with rules and regulations to fall back on.  But my personal, unshakable belief in God has nothing to do with religion.  My God is constantly testing me, presenting me with challenges.  For me, God is not a panacea; God's existance only reassures me that I will survive.  My God believes in building character, and for some reason He thinks that I can rise up to His challenges.  My goal is to live up to the strength God has already given me credit for.

"We're all lonely for something we don't know we're lonely for. How else to explain the curious feeling that goes around feeling like missing somebody we've never even met?"

~David Foster Wallace

Guess where I'm pierced?

Get your minds out of the gutter people!!!  I only got my nose pierced.  I needed a way to celebrate my one year anniversary of being a civilian (it's May 30th, but whatever).  And what screams

"CIVILIAN!!!"

more than a facial piercing?

BTW, for anyone considering a similar stunt, this hurt like a BITCH.  Ever get punched right in the nose?  Yea, concentrate that feeling in a smaller area, but with more bleeding.

(It looks good!  Now if only the bleeding would stop...)

My husband got promoted yesterday...

Hubby is now a Sergeant in the United States Marine Corps!  We're very proud of him, and I'm currently busy spending his raise.